How to befriend your enemies
by g-na-1358
Summary: Step 1: Get drunk. Step 2: Get more drunk, together. Step 3: Ignore the fact that one of you is a Ministry of Magic official while the other one is supposed to be on house arrest.


**A/N:** I suddenly remembered the existence of this a few weeks ago... I wrote it, like, September last year and never posted it anywhere... :D

* * *

There once was a girl who was not quite happy with her life.

There once was a boy who was not quite happy with his life, either.

They both decided to try and forget their sorrows with the help of alcohol in a muggle pub situated somewhere, where no one would know them.

Too bad they both chose the same night _and_ the same place.

* * *

Hermione Granger was sitting at the counter drinking her second glass of whiskey on the rocks when she heard an oddly familiar voice behind her. But it couldn't be the voice she thought it was, that was just impossible. But she still cautiously turned around, just to assure herself.

And she was left speechless. There was the boy, obviously a little tipsy by that time, with a hot girl attached to both his sides. She just couldn't understand how this scene was possible. But she knew she wasn't _that_ drunk. She knew.

"Malfoy!" she called. "Just _what_ in the world are you _doing_ here?!"

The boy stopped dead in his tracks and considerably sobered up thanks to the shock. He frantically looked around for an escape route in panic but as soon as he realized there is none, he quickly pulled himself together and attempted a confused but friendly smile. "I'm sorry, miss, but you must have mistaken me with someone..."

...Well, he tried.

The girl's eyes narrowed dangerously as she stood up and the boy instinctively took a step back. A Slytherin's natural self-preservation in action, you see. (The girls just ran away. It seemed dangerous and it had nothing to do with them. Better go find another rich guy, one who doesn't have a crazy ex-girlfriend. ...If only they knew how far, far away yet so, so close they were...)

Hermione smiled sweetly. "Depending on your actions tonight, I might or might not report this to the authorities. I believe you know what's best for you. Now I _kindly _request of you to sit down right here," she said in a conversational tone while pointing at the seat next to her own.

The boy gulped and immediately answered: "Yes, madam!" and hurriedly, and very clumsily, sat on his appointed stool.

He was sitting so stiffly and his nervous aura radiated from him so strongly she wasn't able to keep it in. She just had to laugh. The boy glared at her, nearly furious. "Granger, shut the hell up and tell me your demands. I highly doubt it's money, so _what_ do you want?"

"Oh, you don't need to be so suspicious; it's easy, I just want you to sit, drink and listen... And, depending on my mood, to cover the bill for me," she added as an afterthought.

"And why must I do that? Why do you want _me_ to listen to you whine? Don't you have some of those saints you call friends for this type of thing?"

"Need I remind you, Mr Escapee, that you are in no position to negotiate? But I feel generous right now so I will graciously answer your question. It's because you are here and I have enough blackmail material to _make_ you listen. No one unconcerned wants to listen willingly, so you'll just have to do." The girl said all this in a matter-of-fact tone. After the last sentence the boy almost found her to be more pitiful then himself. Almost.

"Seems like I don't have a choice, do I?" the boy asked, but it sounded resigned already.

The girl fleetingly thought Draco _really_ wasn't as stupid as Harry'd like to believe seeing he caught on this fast, before she continued out loud with a half-smile, "No, sadly, you really don't. But you should regard yourself lucky that I didn't go report you right away. You should actually thank me."

He shot her an I'd-rather-die-than-do-something-like-THAT glare she laughed at, as she called the bartender over to order their drinks.

As soon as the boy's drink arrived, he gulped it down and ordered another. He just couldn't take this situation almost completely sober.

After he took a calm sip from his next glass, he finally broke the silence, "So what sad worries does the _young_, _talented, intelligent, beautiful _queen of the wizarding world carry?" he asked conversationally, while _subtly _putting _slight_ sarcasm on some of the words.

The girl went along with it, adding some sarcasm of her own. "Oh, why, _thank you!_ But I'm not really _that_ great. Well, I know I'm the unofficial Beauty queen of the world and the best witch around, but saying I'm a queen? Maybe princess, but queen is _too much_! Wait, let's stop this. It sounds way too stupid, even with the irony." She shuddered at her own words.

The boy cracked a smile at her behaviour but quickly mentally slapped himself. He can't fall so low as to have fun with his biggest nemesis of all time. (Yes, he always took her more seriously than Harry Potter. She's way more dangerous. So evilly underhanded you wouldn't believe she's a Gryffindor.)

"Say, Malfoy, how did you even get here?" she asked curiously.

The boy smirked mischievously. "I walked through the door."

The girl gave him a levelled stare, which he returned with an expressionless one out of his own stare-stock.

However, after a minute or so he admitted defeat, rolling his eyes. "Have you ever been in house arrest? Or under _ministry_ surveillance? Can't say the officers are at least trying to watch me. They check when they change shifts and that's it. This certainly isn't the first time I sneaked out. I wouldn't need my wand even if I had it. The boredom makes you try out pretty daring things pretty quickly, so..."

"Aww, you poor little thing! Closed in that mansion with enormous library for what, six months? You must have suffered _sooo_ much! I can't even begin to imagine," the girl said mockingly.

The boy just raised an eyebrow at her and matter-of-factly replied, "You know, Granger, everyone isn't like you. Some people wish to have a decent life with at least a little social interaction. _More so_, if you're a healthy handsome guy in the prime of his youth. And just for your information, the library ended up reduced to almost nothing but stories for children younger than five, because the ministry confiscated all of the 'potentially dangerous books'. The only readable book is the collection of fairy tales for wizarding children. It's fun, quite creepy, you know. Anyway, they took even my beloved Ryuu Murakami collection. Like, what the hell? Just because the characters are all psychos and there's a little blood, they have to take it all away from me? I'll bet they just scanned the whole library for mentions of violence and dark magic and hadn't even looked what they were taking. They even treated all those hundreds years old _priceless_ books like they were something dirty-" As the boy ranted on and on, he gradually became more and more angry, his voice getting louder and louder with each word. It seemed like he, too, ached for somebody to listen to his frustrations.

When the girl heard what happened to the library she once visited (and went through carefully, so she knew there were many, many treasures she'd kill to get her hands on) she became angry as well. (She even forgot to question the fact that _Malfoy_ evidently adored a _muggle_ writer. Who'd guess?)

"What did you say? Is that true?" she demanded.

The boy, surprised by the sudden interruption, jumped and nearly spilled his drink. "Huh? Oh, ehm... yeah, it's true?"

There was a dangerous gleam in her eyes and the boy instinctively cowered. "That's it. I'm talking to someone about this first thing Monday morning!"

"Ok, you do that?" encouraged her the boy, still somewhat confused. "But you know, how will you explain you suddenly know? Um, I'd appreciate it if no one knew I got away from the house and-"

"Malfoy! Just who do you think you're talking to? I'm Hermione Granger! I don't have to explain them _anything_. And if someone dares to ask, I can just say wanted to visit your library for some books and while going through the paper-work I noticed they confiscated it all. Problem solved! See? If you had _my_ brain, you wouldn't need to ask such stupid questions."

'Wow, how confident. So that's what she always thinks behind those humble expressions of hers and the patient explanations?' He thought with a smirk. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I bloody well know how overactive that head of yours is."

The girl calmed down and smiled a little. "Then that's good."

Silence settled between them after that. Not the awkward type, it was more like... comfortable. Soothing.

But then the boy looked at his watch. Eleven o'clock. His time limit was half past three. His guards changed shifts at six. If he wanted it to seem like he was at home the whole time, he needed to leave early. Only the taxi ride takes almost an hour. (Every time he paid the fare he thanked the god he never believed in for the fact he was so loaded and that no one had even bothered to check whether he had a muggle bank account – it was so convenient while violating wizarding laws.) And he wanted to have some adult fun before he left, too. So he had no choice but break the silence.

"Okay, so... Granger, will you ever tell me what am I drinking with you for?"

"Ah," said the girl in reaction, "sorry, I totally forgot..." She didn't sound very sorry. "I just wanted someone who'd listen to me..." she paused for a second and then continued, "Umm, do you think, being in my position, I should be happy?"

The boy choked on his drink. When he could breathe again he looked at her questioningly. "Why would you ask something like that?"

The girl glanced his way but immediately turned back and didn't answer for a long time. The boy grew impatient and felt like he was being forced to encourage her. He did it anyway. "Granger, I don't have the whole night to wait till Your Highness graciously decides to talk. Just spill it already."

"Still as gentle and caring as ever, I see." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I _am_ gentle and caring, but only with people who deserve it."

"Geez thanks, good to know I'm not worthy." She rolled her eyes again. "But, well, okay... Umm, you know, after the war ended and the commotion around it faded out, I somehow feel like I have nothing to do... No one to save the world from, no journalists to run away from, the job's boring... By the way, do you know what I do?" she asked the boy.

He shook his head. In his confinement he wasn't even allowed to get any news. And whenever he sneaked out, he'd always go to muggle London so that he doesn't run into anybody who recognizes him and so he never got a chance to buy any newspaper or anything.

"I got a job in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement – a pretty high up job, too. I _wanted_ to go there, you know, like, to create laws ensuring equality for everyone..."

Now it was the boy's turn to roll his eyes. "Of course. What else would _you_ want to do," he said sarcastically. The girl gracefully ignored him.

"But, well, creating laws is just such a... such a... _boring_ job! You have to follow a strict process, the suggestion has to have a strict form, it takes_ forever _to approve of one tiny change! Who knew?"

"_Anyone_ who just used their brain. Seriously, _what_ did you expect?"

The girl shot him a cold look and he just shrugged. She decided to ignore his jab and continued to rant on.

"Two days ago they refused my suggestion of a law that ensured pay to all the enslaved elves. I bet it's because _they personally_ just don't want to spare the money for _their_ elves! _And _on Monday I found out this one _idiot_ from the department got promoted so now I have to listen to his _idiotic _demands! He wants me to make _coffee_ for him! As if I was his secretary, not his subordinate! How could they promote this guy is just beyond me!"

The boy had to muffle his amused laughter. "Sounds like a cool guy. Hope I'll meet him at least once." She didn't even hear him.

"And today, I just wanted to forget about my job for a while and relax; I wanted to go see this one movie they're showing now and you know what Ron told me?"

The boy raised an eyebrow. "What did your honey tell you?"

"He said 'You want me to go watch this pink something with you? No thanks. Ask Ginny or Luna or _whatever_.'"

The boy's face twisted as he tried hard not to laugh (again) but, luckily for him, the girl didn't notice. (Again.)

"I really like her and all, but going with Luna to the cinema practically equals to committing social suicide. I did ask Ginny but she said she'll invite Harry, too! How does she expect me to actually enjoy the film next to them, flirting the whole time, while my own boyfriend stood me up? It made me too angry to try getting anyone else so-"

"You just went alone. Poor you," the boy finished for her sarcastically with an amused grin.

"Yes. And that's why I'm sitting in a stupid bar complaining to the last person I would ever think I would complaint," the girl deadpanned. "No, you idiot. I hate watching movies by myself. _Especially_ in cinemas because that's just pathetic. It seems like you have no one to go with! And Ronald seriously pissed me off this time! I go with him to every bloody Chudley Cannons game and he can't go to _one_ _freaking movie_ with me! How's that fair?"

"Mm, well, Weasley's a guy, sort of, so you can't expect him to enjoy some romantic crap. And if you don't want to watch quidditch, you _can_ tell him to go alone, you know? I bet he wouldn't mind half as much as you maybe think? Or do you go with him 'cause you don't want him to go with someone else? Are you the excessively obsessive, jealous type or-"

The girl put her glass back on the table with a loud bang while glaring at the boy. "Malfoy, for god's sake, I _pay you_ to listen and agree. Your opinion is completely irrelevant so be good and do just that, okay?"

The boy looked at her in an are-you-fucking-kidding-me way. "You're _not_ paying me, you know?"

"Technically, I am. I pay you with silence."

The boy snorted. "My dear Ms Granger, usually, rather than payment, that would be called blackmail."

"Who cares? It's the same thing. The result is the same. You don't have any right to object either way so just play nice, shut up and agree with whatever I say," the girl laughed evilly as she took another sip from her once again lifted drink.

The boy gave her a look that screamed 'I seriously don't understand this woman'. Not that he ever _wished_ to understand her...

"So what now, are you just gonna break up with him?"

"Huh? Why?"

"Because you're here?"

"No, he just pissed me off."

"...Right," mumbled the boy while rolling his eyes.

"Anyway," started the boy again after another portion of silence, "is that all you wanted to vent?" He really hoped so. Then he'd be released sooner.

No such luck.

"Huh? You really think that is all it takes for me to feel the need to go alone to a pub to get drunk? This whole month was awful at work. And Harry with Ginny are really annoying, too. Totally ignoring their friends. If what I told you until now were enough to make me get drunk, I'd be an alcoholic by now. Because I'd drink every single day since halfway to graduation and your constant bullying would be at fault!"

"Excuse me? You think I don't know?"

"Come again?" asked the girl innocently.

"You took revenge for almost everything! It was an outright war back then, not one-sided bullying at all. I'd even say _we've_ suffered way more than you ever did!"

She looked at him, disappointment evident in her eyes. "Tsk. So you knew it was me... Too bad, you really aren't as big an idiot as we'd all love to think."

"Excuse me, but I _was_ right behind you in every bloody exam, you know," he pouted.

The boy really hated it when someone questioned his capability. Just like Granger, he valued his brain.

But the girl smirked. "Oh, I indeed can't even begin to imagine the torment you had to go through... Forever second best! You must have suffered so much!" she laughed sadistically.

"Oh, just fuck off!" the boy sighed in a resigned voice. "But, just for your information, that tack in Pansy's shoe was pathetic. And not really effective. She actually thought some girl jealous of her sexy beautifulness did it. It just boosted her ego."

The girl snorted. "Oh, well, it wasn't even _supposed_ to be effective in any way. It's just that the tack is so cliché I _had_ _to_ try it once." She rubbed her chin as she thought back for a second before continuing. "Actually, for a while back then I couldn't decide whether I should go for the tack or for earthworms. Both so tempting. But in the end I came to the conclusion that looking for earthworms would by too much pain..."

"Who knew the hard-working model student Granger would be this lazy."

"Well, who's _not_ lazy, from time to time? But above all, would _you _want to go looking for earthworms in the middle of winter?"

"S'ppose not."

"See?"

* * *

Two hours later they have already resolved every misunderstanding and conflict and fight and prank and any kind of problem in general they ever had with each other, then enthusiastically badmouthed all the teachers at school. Later they shifted to discussing all the dating and other rumours they remembered from their school days, which naturally developed into lively gossiping about their schoolmates. They talked and they laughed. They laughed _a lot_. (Alcohol tends to have that effect.) Anyway, the point is, they totally forgot who they were drinking with and why. The girl even successfully forgot all her troubles.

It was only much later when they somehow vaguely remembered their positions. At least one of them did.

The girl took out her cell phone to look at the time. She never understood why some people still stubbornly insisted on using owls for every little thing when they could have something as convenient as a phone. Sure, for official matters owls were still the most appropriate, however for personal things phone was so much faster and easier... But it's true it took her forever to make her boyfriend get one. (Ironic how now he refuses to let it out of his reach.)

"Granger? What's the time?" asked the boy. At least that was what he intended to say. Who knows what actually came out of his mouth.

"I've got 21 missed calls and 15 unread messages," stated the girl as if that answered his question.

Just as she finished the sentence, the phone started ringing. It startled her so much she nearly dropped it into her almost empty glass. The boy found the sight highly amusing so naturally he started laughing so hard tears actually came out of his eyes.

The girl smacked him to shut him up but sadly that was very much counterproductive as the boy laughed even harder. In the end she settled for ignoring him.

"Yesh? – Ron? – What? Almost two? Seriously? – I'm in a pub. I'll send you the address. – No, who'd go to the cinema alone? I rather went to drink aaaall my problems away. – Why are you saying that? I'm not that drunk! – Hahahaha, you don't have to sound so worried."

When the boy heard the second to last sentence he snorted. After he calmed down he raised his eyebrows and mockingly said in a rather loud voice (to make sure the third party heard him too) "Yeah, right. Of course you're not drunk. You wouldn't be able to stand straight if you were to get up!" and then he snickered amusedly.

"Look who's talking. Sorry, it's nothi- – No you definitely don't know that voice. It's just some drunk loser almost passing out near me. – You don't have to worry. I _could_ defend myself if I had to, you know. – Hahaha, no, he really didn't try to make a move on me." She shot a sideways glance at the boy to see his reaction. What she saw amused her deeply.

At the mere thought of hitting on his lifelong enemy made the boy's face go green and he looked like he seriously wanted to throw up. Poor him.

"Okay, I wanted to leave soon anyway. – Than see ya in ten minutes. Bye." And she hung up.

"So your honey's coming to pick you up, huh," said the boy in a monotonous voice.

"Mhm. When it comes to it, I'm so loved... Jealous?" she asked while typing the address of her current whereabouts.

"Hardly. Of what? You? No, thank you. I'm not exactly dying to date Weasley."

"Of the love, you idiot."

"Yeah, right. I don't need, nor particularly want that. So, no, I'm not jealous."

"You don't know what you're missing," sighed the girl in a tone that suggested that _she_ knew. And that irritated the hell out of the boy.

"I don't care!" he growled and took a sip from his glass. "By the way, thanks for not blasting me to Weasley."

"Oh, well, I'd be in trouble, too, for just casually drinking with you."

"You just lost your blackmail material."

"Not really. As long as no one knows I was actually drinking with you the whole evening I can always say I _just_ noticed you and immediately wanted to call the authorities. Even if you said the truth, it would be _your _word against _mine._ Who are people likely to believe? An ex-deatheater – who _obviously_ escaped from home arrest no matter whose claim is correct, or a war-hero?" finished the girl with raised eyebrow and a we-can-try-if-you-want type of look.

The boy's head hit the table. 'Well? Would anyone think she's a Gryffindor? Surly not me.'

"...How can you be so evil?" He had no choice but to admit his defeat.

"Only when it comes to you."

"Right."

They were both silent for a while but then the boys' head shot up suddenly. "Weasley. Here. NOW!" he shrieked in panic.

"Actually more like in five minutes. So what?" asked the puzzled girl.

"Granger, are you an idiot? It won't matter that you covered for me, if he sees me himself!"

"Oh... true. Pay at least for yourself before you run away." The girl just waved in his general direction apathetically.

Before the boy frantically gathered his things, he quickly took out his wallet and threw a pack of bills on the counter. He didn't bother counting it; there was probably way more than enough money to pay for his drinks. He didn't particularly care. He didn't have _the_ _time_ to care. But it was not like he'd ever miss that amount of cash.

The girl picked the money up, paid for both their shares and offered the rest back to the boy. He glanced at it but he didn't have a third hand to take as both his hands were occupied. "I don't care, just take it!" Thus the girl claimed ownership of the money left. At least now she felt this month's events were actually not all that bad. Extra money makes everything feel better.

The boy was all ready to leave any second now. He was clearly in a state of complete panic. The girl found this fact rather funny.

"Bye Malfoy. Have a safe-" before she could wish him a safe return to his very own prison, the boy tripped over the stool he was sitting on until now and gracefully fell on his face, "...trip. Too late I guess," finished the girl anyway. She had to try hard not to laugh as the boy tried to collect himself as quickly as possible. She made a mental note to never panic while drunk.

"Don't you _dare_ laugh, Granger," growled the unamused boy. "And if you tell anyone I'll personally find and kill you."

"Which do you mean?" questioned the girl, genuinely unsure. "Your little unauthorized trips or this?" The girl pointed towards the floor area still occupied by the boy's embarrassed form.

"Both, you idiot!"

The girl smirked. "Don't worry, Malfoy. For now, just possessing the information is more than enough."

"Good. Bye Granger."

"Bye Malfoy. See ya around," added the girl with a smile. She felt like this was not the first and last meeting with him of this kind. And she sort of looked forward to the next one. But now she should focus on Ron, who was soon coming to get her. He sounded worried she didn't come home yet. It was a nice feeling.

* * *

When the boy sobered and calmed down enough to notice his surroundings, he realized he was already at home in bed. How he got there, he had no idea. He looked at the clock on his bedside table. Past 3 AM. After visiting London he never got to bed sooner than 5. That was because Granger obstructed his grand plans. Even so, he felt strangely satisfied in a completely different way than he planned to be. He hasn't talked or laughed so much in more than a year. Almost two years, in fact. He smiled slightly as he went off to sleep.

After he woke up in the morning (with a significant hangover) he just had to wonder how in the world he managed to enjoy drinking with _Granger_ of all people.

'Note to self: never _ever_ go to that pub again!'

* * *

**ONE YEAR, ONE MONTH, ONE WEEK AND ONE DAY LATER**

"Hey, you already here?" asked the boy.

"Obviously. Got a problem with that?" asked the girl in return.

"Not at all, just surprised. Didn't expect you here so early."

"Good."

"You won't even congratulate me?"

The girl raised an eyebrow. "It's already been quite a few weeks, you know. What's the point?"

"But it's the first time we've seen each other since then."

"So?"

He looked at her without any expression at all. She sighed.

"Fine... Congratulations on your first legal visit of this facility," she answered to his stubborn demand monotonously.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," cried the boy and pretended to be drying his tears. (But not before smirking victoriously.) "I could just hear how happy for me you are." Ah, the sarcasm...

The boy sat down at the counter next to the girl and ordered his usual drink.

"You know, today we should celebrate. It's a big occasion. My sentence's finished _and_ this makes the tenth time we've met like this. It's a big anniversary. I'd honestly never believed we'd run into each other again after the first time."

"Says the one who came to _this_ _very_ _same pub every time _despite knowing we very well _could_ meet," said the girl in a teasing tone.

The boy went a little red but otherwise he didn't react.

"But, Malfoy, you forgot the biggest reason for celebrating."

"I don't think so. And stop waving your hand, it's annoying."

"You didn't even notice?! And you call yourself my drinking buddy?!"

"I don't call myself your drinking buddy. And besides, I didn't even _have to _notice since everywhere everyone's talking about it. I just didn't think it was big enough news to fuss about," answered the boy matter-of-factly.

"Bastard. You're so... I just can't believe you! You could _at the very least_ say something like 'congratulations to your engagement, I hope you'll be happy with Weasley' or something!"

"But I'm an honest person. I don't like lying and if I said that, I'd be doing just that!" cried the boy accusingly before he continued in a calm and collected, serious tone, "I really couldn't care less about your relationships _or_ happiness. Besides, it's not like you really congratulated me either."

"I hate you. You're paying today."

"Likewise. I refuse. Why should I? We both have our reasons for celebrating today, so pay for yourself. I'm not running a charity."

"Not like you'd even notice if you paid for me."

"Granger, from those nine times we've drank together so far, how many times did you pay?"

"Um, five times?"

"Four times_. Four. _And tree out of that was only for yourself. You paid for both just once and that was only because your proposal at work got accepted, so you were too happy and _trying_ to be generous."

"Ah... Right... You're still paying."

"No, I don't have any obligation to. You can't blackmail me anymore; no one would care if you told them now. Moreover, you don't have any proof. They can't do a thing without a proof. _And._ Now you'd be in a bigger mess than me." The boy smirked victoriously. He felt so superior for once.

"Shit. So you've realized..."

"I'd have to be as stupid as Weasley if I didn't."

"Ron's one of the top Aurors, you know. You can't even _become_ one, much less be on top if you're as stupid as you make Ron out to be."

"He got the spot only because he's who he is."

"He got a spot in the training phase because he's who he is. He had to pass the tests and all that with his own ability."

"He cheated."

"How?"

"I haven't seen the tests, how should I know? But you can cheat on every test out there. There's always a way."

"Sure. Talking from experience, are we..."

...And so they proceeded to bicker and drink the night away.

As per usual.

* * *

**A/N: **(I really like Ryuu Murakami, in case you couldn't tell... :D )  
I just want to say this so we're clear on it... It's my headcanon that Draco (after he became old enough to actually think, not just parrot his parents' opinions) doesn't really reject anything and everything that has to do with muggles; he just believes the two worlds shouldn't mix too much. No harm in borrowing muggle technology or reading muggle books... :)**  
**


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